I went through a season of personal growth in my late twenties (phase 1). I was living alone and grappling with the state of my romantic life at the time. I was one of those girls who thought I'd be married by 23, kids and a white picket fence by 30. I had just gotten out of another going-nowhere year+ long "situationship". I was cracked (not broken) and grappling with why I seemed to keep finding myself in the same situations with the same outcomes.
I began to pray….hard. I spoke to God daily, asking "what's wrong with me?" I started meditating, journaling, and spending ALOT of time with family. My question of "what's wrong with me" started changing to "would I be happy if…." Would I be happy if I never found the 1? Would I be happy if I never had kids? Would I be happy if these external things I've focused on for so long never came to be? Because the fact is, everyone doesn't get married. Everyone doesn't have kids.
Asking myself "would I be happy if…." forced me to look at my life from a different angle. It forced me to ultimately ask myself would I or could I be happy with just me? I hadn't struggled with self confidence since puberty (when everyone struggles) but I also never thought of being alone ……… for the rest of my life. Sounds sad, but it is a reality for some and I was determined to face this hard question.
So during phase 1 of growth I wanted to ensure that I would be happy with my life even if for God's unknown reasons I never got married or had children. I found that traveling and exploring made me happy, genuinely happy. I hit up happy hours, traveled out of state to see friends, and went to movies, all alone. I guess you could say I dated myself but at the time that is not how I looked at it. I looked at it as just getting comfortable with myself. And you know what. I LOVED IT! I loved going with my own flow. Succumbing to my own whims. "I'm hungry, it's 5, I'm going to stop *x* bar for happy hour." New movie out I want to see? I'm going to the midnight showing. Sick of looking at my city? I'm going to visit friends or family out of town. Feeling antisocial? I'm going to sit right on my couch and binge watch The Walking Dead.
All the while still talking to God. Still adjusting the expectations I saw for my life. Just as I got comfortable with the idea of "this very well may be my life"… BOOM! In walked my (now) husband and the rest is history.
Why am I writing this? What brought about this moment of reflection? A combination of things. Kelli telling Issa that a certain decision reflected her personal growth on the past episode of Insecure. Francheska (better known as Hey Fran Hey) talking about the questions she asks the participants of her current wellness tour. And finally me just thinking about the natural progression of my life. My current passions. How I plan to nurture those passions while balancing being a wife, writer, and working full time in corporate America.
Growing up I always heard the term "mid-life crisis". In college I used to jokingly say I would go through an early mid-life crisis at 35, quit my job, and travel the world. I've come to realize that some people do go through one maybe two major life crises but maybe it doesn't have to hit "crisis" status. Maybe some people just go through several mini life changes or phases. I've completed phase one. I think I'm entering phase 2.