The Dutiful Fiancé

Where Does Dutiful End & Silent Begin?……..

The Problem: Today was the first and possibly worse argument we’ve had in awhile. Surely since being engaged. We are all set to have a destination wedding in the next 9 months. Which means scheduling and timing is paramount. I am very much a financial steward. In some areas more than others, but overall I think I’m pretty decent.

Today (8/24/15) marks the day we were supposed to receive our invitations. Keeping with our schedule, we would still have a full week to acquire addresses, package, stamp, and send them out to our prospective guest. Imagine my surprise when I call my fiancé and he informs me that not only are our invitations not ready, they will not be ready for another 5 – 7 days per the company. Naturally, I am highly upset! As our conversation continues I learn that my fiancé plans to go speak to the company the following day. I ask if I could attend the meeting (internally I’m thinking I have a few questions that I would like to ask). Not knowing that this seemingly simple request would lead to such a disagreement. Additionally, reveal seemingly different trains of thought of what a “team” means and what to expect going forward into our marriage.

When necessary, I am very direct. Especially when it comes to companies I’ve given my hard earned money to, who don’t deliver. These aren’t invitations to some party, these aren’t business cards, these are invitations to a wedding! And not just any wedding, a destination wedding which means everything is TIME SENSITIVE!!! We need to ensure that these invitations go out in a timely fashion to allow our guest who intend to attend, ample time to contact our travel agent and get their affairs in order. This company jacking up and not delivering our order as promised is pushing us back an entire week!

With that said getting back to where I was going. Yes, I have a few questions for the company’s management. What compensation are you offering? Will you be expediting our order at no cost to us seeing as though YOU messed up? Will there be a discount on our order? We spent a pretty penny with these people and I need to know what they are willing to do to correct this mistake and ease my worry.

Now here’s the issue (at least from my perspective) . My fiancé does not want me in attendance when he goes to speak to the company. I don’t know why. From my perspective I am financially invested and we are a team and we need to tackle all issues as such. Especially issues of this magnitude. I would like to ask my questions directly to the source and not have to have my fiancé ask my questions for me. He feels that I am trying to “oversee” him and how he is handling the situation, when that is not the case. I just want to have a voice when issues arise that directly impact us and I don’t feel like I have a voice right now which causes me great concern looking towards the future. How will we handle future issues? Will I be expected to sit back and not be a party to solutional conversation? Will I not be allowed to directly address the problematic party? One of my biggest fears about marriage is losing myself, my voice. Being expected to let my husband “handle” things as I simply cook, clean, and work. Where does the line get drawn between dutiful, present, understanding, supportive partner and silent, background, voiceless partner?

In any situation communication is key. I cannot stress this enough. Personally and professionally communication is of the utmost importance. 

The Solution: In any situation communication is key. I cannot stress this enough. Personally and professionally communication is of the utmost importance. After taking time in our respective corners to simmer down and think through our feelings, we both knew a conversation needed to be had. It would not be a pretty, flowery, love dripped conversation but a real, raw, uncut (but still respectful) conversation about how our actions affected the other. How we truly felt. Our concerns for our future and future situations that may arise, and finally what we can do to ensure that we both feel as emotionally safe as possible going forward.

What I’ve learned from our conversation is that no matter what we have to be clear and open with each other. We cannot be dismissive with the others fears, questions, or concerns no matter how personally feel about them. We are embarking on a new path in life that neither of us has walked. There will be things that we both screw up royally, and that’s okay. As long as we stay grounded in each other and God. AND committed to open, honest, and effective dialog, We gone be alright!